Man Ban TG - Part 2

Man Ban – Part 2

The buzzing of the alarm clock brought a return to consciousness and a fluttering of hope, though it only lasted as long as it took to shift my legs around my featureless groin. Screaming soon followed with Leon pushing open my door. My fear and terror hardened to a point and I blasted from the covers to throttle Leon. I screamed to his wide eyes, "You FUCKING ASSHOLE!" Slamming him into the hallway felt good. I raged, "FOR A DAMN GAME! YOU DID THIS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!"

Leon leaned back and said, "Shel…I have no idea what you're talking about. Maybe you had a nightmare. So come on…just calm down. Don't go ape-shit on me!" My fingers loosened around Leon and I eased off him. I questioned him on recent events and, according to Leon, we did have a disagreement about the sound level but Leon turned it down a bit so I could sleep. If only that could've been how things really were. Asking with narrowed eyes, I posed the question to him, "What gender am I?"

That brought a shrug from Leon. "You're just Shel." He avoided gendered pronouns quite well around me. It was unnerving. Eventually, I disengaged from Leon and apologized for being rough. He gave me a poke in the shoulder and said, "No worries."

My morning routine was similar to normal. Attending to my bladder meant sitting and relaxing familiar muscles by sensation. The sitting felt girlish but, on the whole, I felt more like an amputee. No phantom sensations but I could easily imagine how things should've been.

After being overwhelmed at first, the shower lulled me into calm, white noise sensations until Leon knocked on the door and I knew I had to finish up. As I dried myself, I wondered on the necessity of wearing a towel out of the bathroom at all. Still, I wrapped it around my waist.

The clothes in my dresser seemed about the same as always. I noticed a lot more gray outfits and lighter tones. My underwear had changed as well. Instead of a fold in the boxers and briefs, they were flat and closed across the front. Otherwise, they were unchanged. Still, I had a feeling like I was wearing girl's underwear instead of men's.

Fully dressed, I was strangely comforted. At least it was the same as always. While Leon played some music in the other room, I took care of food and preparations for work.

On my way out, Leon leaned out his door and said, "Have a good one!" The shifts to his mood were interesting. I remembered that whenever girls from other apartments came to visit for this or that, he would talk to them with a lighter, more-controlled tone. It wasn't quite that with me but it was closer.

I mulled on this notion as I made my way out of the apartment and down the hallway lit by narrow shafts of light. As I approached people coming and going, I held my breath. I was sure my absence was obvious. One guy in a muscle shirt gave me a glance but went on with his conversation with another guy about horses. His companion gave no look to me.

Just past them, a trio of girls lingered closely together. When I passed them, all three turned to watch me. Their eyes pressed against me, not straying even for a moment. I felt a bit unsettled but offered a quick, "Hey there…" as I passed by.

The girl closest to me blocked my path. I backed up. A smile set on her lips. "Hey. Haven't seen you around as a free-agent before. Interested in joining us?" She spoke swiftly and with breathless enthusiasm. I knew her in passing and considered her pretty but she'd certainly never talked to me before.

Her question left me uncertain as she moved close to smile at me. Despite my lack of male anatomy, feelings in my head left me swimming at her attention. I also had the attention of the others but they stayed back. When I found the words I wanted, I asked simply, "Join you?"

She nodded. "Join the girls, I mean. Wouldn't be much trouble."

I blinked at the three of them. "What…is this like teams? How come no one mentioned this to me before?" She shrugged to me. "Well, most people don't really get involved unless there's some shifting of the two sides."

Thinking back to something the guards said, I added, "Or a spy?"

The girl chuckled and the other two automatically joined in. "Those boys tend to be obsessed with spies. Too many movies, I say."  

I eyed them and offered, "I'm sure. But…I need to get to work. So…"

She nodded with a smile. "Of course. Don't mean to bother you. But please…accept this pamphlet and think it over." The girl pulled a pristine, tri-fold pamphlet out of her pocket and pressed it into my hand. I didn't bother to note that it looked a lot like the other one I got, except this was colorless with elegant text reading, "Join the Female Revolution!"

I made my way past them but that wasn't the end of it. It seemed like most girls, whether alone or in a group, noticed my new, genderless state. I took to holding the pamphlet out like a shield. That kept them at bay.

Arriving at work, I soon realized how many girls worked the evening shift at the animation studio. And I had the attention of many, except for a few. Like Kestrel. She was too busy with her work to look at me as I entered my time card and went over to my desk.  

For a time, I'd considered asking Kestrel out. I never did. Among the best of the studio artists, she'd sometimes help me on certain projects when the boss tended to get vague, as he often did, about instructions.

Today, she wore a white top with pink flowers like floating asterisks and a cotton-pink skirt which creased over her legs. Kestrel's blond hair was touched golden by the dusty, evening light through a window. As always, she wore it up in white bows on either side of her head which made feathered locks that framed her cheeks and bumps like amber cat ears on either side of her head. Below the 'ears', her hair dangled down her back like bright streamers. Her pen danced in her hand like a conductor's wand across the tablet. On many a slow and banal day, I memorized her focused features and sketched covertly on scrap paper. I made sure she never caught me.

Only when a smile grew from her impassive stare at her work did her eyes find me. She scratched at an ear and gave me a little wave. Her gaze didn't linger on me.

Soon, the other girls had me surrounded. Their words merged together into a cry like eager seagulls on the shore. I brought the pamphlet out again by way of answer and that quieted them.  

Still, Donna (one of the other inbetween animators) asked, "So when will you be joining us?" The others echoed her question in bits of "yeah"s and small sounds. I held my hands up and told them assertively, "I just got banned today and I just got this today. I need time."

With a shrug, Donna noted, "You were always close enough to being one of the girls before anyway. Why not just make it official? I assure you it's better than nothing and we'll have you gladly." I'd never heard this sentiment from them before.

They were as tenacious as a troop of girl scouts. I booted up my computer and made like I was going into my work for the day. Slowly, the circle began to disperse. Further off, I could see one of my male co-workers giving me a harsh scowl. He'd never been all that friendly to me, so I wasn't sure to attribute it to the ban or the flood of attention from the girls. But then the shift in reality had me confused about what I could trust.

The girls seemed to remember me as a boy. Leon did not. I probably should've brought the other pamphlet with me. At least the studio had a unisex bathroom, so that wouldn't be a concern.

Work helped to quiet my fears and uncertainties. It always did. At points, I even managed to forget that I was genderless. I remembered when bits of relationship discussion found their way to my ear. I had to remind myself I was an outside party. On neither side.

Later in the evening, the studio girls informed me I was welcome to use the ladies room, if I so wished. I just nodded in reply. Kestrel hadn't visited my desk yet but the boss saw me several times.

It appeared several times as though he was about to say something about my condition, but he kept all our discussions to work. That was a relief, except his projects were as frustrating as always.

I stretched my back and ran my mind through all the details.

"Hey there…" Kestrel's voice next to me. I glanced over and said the same to her. She gestured to my desk. I had some oil paint on the side. She asked if she could borrow the blue. I passed the small container to her and she bowed her head slightly before turning away.

It took a moment of biting my lip before I managed to ask, "Kestrel?" She turned back with her faint eyebrows arched a little. I figured losing my balls would've tossed aside any nervousness but it still flared up as I managed, "Would you…wanna…would you like to go out some time…for fun?" In my head, I wanted to say it wasn't a date. But I felt as though even alluding to that word would make me completely crack, so I stopped there.

Looking at me, she didn't smile as she said, "I would've loved to go out with you…any time…" I lowered my head. But she continued. Her smile emerged with slow and careful ease. "And I'd still love to. Something fun…"

She lingered at my desk as we tossed each other ideas. Mini-golf. Poetry night at a local café. Art show. Movies at my apartment at dusk. She smiled at them all.

With chat after chat between work, she surrounded me in more information about herself than the passing information I'd teased out with covert listening. She didn't live far from me. Each interest we named to one another was shared. We laughed for no reason and smiled widely with half-sanity.

When a discussion of favorite books quieted, I asked her, "Why aren't you trying to recruit me?"

She shrugged. "I'm not really a recruiter….not…not really. I'm just an artist. And I'd like to be a friend."

I smiled back. "I'm just an artist too…and I'd like that."

That broke things wide-open for us. We talked whenever we had a spare moment. We shared links. We laughed. We tried to decode instructions. We shared a meal.

When work was done, she stayed a little after her regular time and we walked to my apartment together. Leon had already gone to bed, so we whispered together in the living room. I should've really played an adventure game with the music rattling the ceiling but I was more in the mood for a quiet chat.

We talked about everything in the most random order. When we got to how cows might entertain themselves if they were bored, I was suddenly reminded of the pamphlet in my room. It resolved a couple things I'd seen. My situation was retroactively changed so far as my gender was concerned. So my dad would only know me as genderless while my mother would likely remember. Even more complicated. I didn't feel like calling either of them at the moment.

Kestrel looked it over quietly after me, flipping through the pages. With a deep breath, she softly said, "Mine was a little like this. Different though." My eyes widened.

She explained with her legs pulled tight underneath her, "I was born a girl. I left for a time in my teens. I didn't want to just be a girl…of a sort. I wanted to see if I was still me without that." Her pamphlet came from the girl side with bright urgings to reconsider. Since she was a zero-net, she said the other girls didn't court her so much as they did me. She concluded, "In the end, I realized maleness wasn't right for me and I was kinda used to my original gender. Like something well-worn. It's not perfect but I was adapted to it."

I brushed my hands along the couch and asked her, "Do you think I could adapt to it?"

Kestrel dipped her head slightly. "Anyone can adapt to it. Same for either side or neither. It depends on where you prefer to stay."

Leaning into the cushion, I weighed the pros and cons in my head. My balancing was interrupted when Kestrel told me, "I…know…that if you talk to a Girl Guard, she'll get you a day to experience being a girl. If that would help."

My eyes widened. It was definitely something to consider. I had to ask her, "What would you do?"

She smiled but shook her head. "It's your decision. I can't make it for you and neither can anyone else. Remember that….especially when you're talking to a Guard."

I wasn't sure what to make of that but I nodded to her and added, "How exactly do I find one of these Guards?" Kestrel leaned back as well, sinking as deep as me into the cushion. "It's easier to see them on the outside looking in. Or on the cusp. But you can bait them as well."

The fishing analogy unsettled me at first because I wondered if I was the bait. Kestrel relayed her own experience. She knew to bait Guards one of two ways. First of all, by expressing the notion she could never ever be a girl (again). Apparently this dismissal fired them up as a personal challenge. It sounded a bit more like something the Man Guard would be drawn in by. The second was to be a certain kind of watcher from the outside. Kestrel only heard about this type. Reminded me a little of the idea of spies. Those non-gendered ones and those who renounced their previous side were watched by Girl Guards as potential recruits.

It intrigued me that one side resorted to purging while the other absorbed. Getting the attention of one sure seemed simple, especially in my state. The rest of the evening passed quietly with much still on my mind despite laughs and silly ideas displacing gender concerns.

Before she left, Kestrel gave me a peck on the cheek which rippled across the skin of my face and through my entire body. I could imagine the days when she was like me. Even without a groin, my feelings were ravenous. To touch Kestrel and be touched in that way gave me blasting tingles radiating from my heart and all across my flesh.

She stroked my hair too. It lasted what seemed the span of a racing heart beat. I hid a chuckle at the notion I had to stop being a man to actually find love.

Her absence left the room cold but I had her number as a totem of comfort, an inch-scrap of paper to keep me warm as the chill of night gave way to deep embers of dawn. I knew Leon wouldn't be up for many hours yet, when he would pull himself together and stagger off to his job.

I had a little fun trying on my slightly-altered clothes till that bored me. Really, I wanted to see if it would be any different if I shared the same gender as Kestrel. She'd come back to it after some journeys away. I had to hold that as a positive sign, despite the strong-armed recruiters.

So, I took to the hall and flagrantly announced I could never, ever possibly be made a girl. For a while, nothing came of it but the occasional, confused look from passing men and folded arms from some of the girls. The rest glared knowingly.

The moment came swiftly and with my back turned. A finger tapped me on the shoulder and I whirled around. I was certain the presence which stood before me hadn't been there a moment before. I had to take a step back as my eyes beheld her fully.

My first thought was that she was a valkyrie. Her dark-brown hair was long and dense across her shoulder and spilled like a wave, echoing far behind her. Her clothes were angelic white, her shoulders full but lean. I wasn't too tall but she still towered over me with her arms folded. Where the two Man Guards had bulky chests, she had her own version of that, though proportional to her athletic figure.

She definitely looked the part of an enforcer, despite the calm curve to her lips. Not mad or angry. Just waiting.  

I bent to her out of respect and took a breath. "Hello..uh…Miss Girl Guard."

She kept the stoicism of a Buckingham Palace guard but spoke clearly, her voice neither quiet nor raised. "You're meant to be a girl. You're meant to be in my care. What are you doing out of it?"

I blinked. "Uh…actually, I used to be a man."

The Guard didn't bother to snort in disapproval but her emotions were clear in her words. "A man? Not much of one. Tossed out, no doubt. Can't measure up with them…your only fate is to be one of us for the rest of your life."

I set my feet. "I only…uh…baited you for the sake of a trial run as a girl. On the advice of my friend."

She leaned towards me. "If you were a real man, you wouldn't be screwing around trying on panties. You'd be hauling ass trying to get your balls back. Pathetic…you're a girl. Admit it. Even as you wore an overrated biological dildo…it was all a piss-poor game of pretend. If you were truly worthy, you wouldn't have a single mark on your record…"

I raised my eyebrows. "How could you know about that?"

The Guard said only, "We do our research in our recruiting and news travels fast…when you're listening for it. You were a weak boy. Watching…sketching as you did…anyone could claim it was mere sexual attraction underneath shyness. That's bullshit. It was quiet envy and wistfulness. Wishing to embody all the beauty you saw from the outside. A fate you seek for life. And, same as losing your manhood rewrote you in the eyes of some, your merging with us will fill in all the ages of womanhood you've been missing. All of it…inescapably a part of you."

Her aura was overwhelming but I remembered what Kestrel told me and took a breath. "Seems like a lot of trouble to go to for one recruit."

She had a ready answer. "Except every recruit is vital. Every recruit is one of us and shall ever be. The boys strengthen by purging. We strengthen by flowing over each new recruit with the whole of ourselves. Our unity makes us strong."

I noted, "I really only want to try it out for a little while…"

A smile nearly slipped through her impassive expression. "So you say as an excuse but even a moment in that skin will seep into you. It will destroy doubt and annihilate the pale sliver of what was before. It will cocoon and consume you until you are reborn as you always should've been…one of us. It is your fate…your only path. Your delayed destiny from birth."

She paused there and reached into the folds of her white garment to retrieve a small, pink card. I almost didn't take it. But her gaze on me made it irresistible. Holding the card, I could see that it had the name "Shelby Christine Kettler" in ornate, flowing letters with a bold, full Venus mirror in the background.

I expected the same, sudden feelings as when I parted with my man card. Instead, I felt a little tired. The Guard explained, "You will sleep. Only for a little while. When you wake, you be in the world as when you will be fully one of us. For 24 hours, this glimpse will continue until you are convinced. Then, you need only to call for me again, as you have done, and I will complete you."

She bowed and left as swiftly as the Man Guard had. I staggered back to the apartment and barely made it to my bed before I face planted on the covers and was fast asleep.