Radioactive Femininity TG - Part 13-END

Radioactive Femininity

Part 13 – Boobie, Destroyer of Boys *conclusion*



Because of that, I wasn’t moved. I did push my chair back from time to time to look at the science-y nothings in particular behind me. Eventually, Kats noticed that her hair had gotten longer and thicker.

She used her compact to check it out. “That is sooo weird, I just checked myself before class. That’s like two inches longer. For real. Does anything else happen?”

I shrugged again and told her, “I suppose but I haven’t really been keeping track with other girls because boys have been more obvious. Hips maybe? Boobs?”

Kats giggled to herself. “Man, I wouldn’t mind more of that.” She wasn’t flat and narrow but also wasn’t especially gifted in either respect. Jen brushed back her hair with its extra inches and flipped through her textbook.

I established what I suspected was the range of the effect. Carlos quietly and Duncan loudly made sure they were fully outside my supposed zone of influence on the opposite end of the table.

Showing her slim teeth, Kats looked over at the boys and back at me as she noted, “I kinda want to see it happen. That’s gotta be nuts. Hey, Dunk, wanna earn a dollar?”

He kept his head down in his book and only showed her his middle finger. She stuck out her tongue and then proposed, “How about…” She bent close and whispered in his ear. I was still able to hear and that was probably the point. She had to be flirting with him or something. But in about the weirdest way possible.

She added in her normal voice, “With tongue. Or…for after, if you get stuck…even more tongue. Promise.”

Dunk leveled an annoyed gaze and intoned, “I don’t play that way.”

Kats peered across at Carlos and inquired, “No tongue but you game?”

Carlos swallowed quietly and took a pause to answer, “I don’t. I just…I got a girlfriend and shit.” Then he returned to his handout.

Plopping her head down, Kats muttered through her hands, “I just wanna see it happen. Shit. How many guys has it happened to?”

After a moment to reflect, I held up one hand. Kats scuffed her feet and grumbled, “I like gotta grab my friend Tomas and make him do it.”

It only really occurred to me then that girls around me and in the influence of this thing seemed to be more accepting. Was it like with Lea cuddling up to me? No idea. Maybe it wasn’t even a thing but just a case of running across certain types of girls. After all, Jen was right in the path and she was ignoring me.

Maybe ignoring me was kindness for her. Or it could be the fact I was some stranger from half a room away who’d suddenly been moved over. As well, that stranger claimed to have supernatural powers to transform people and my hair was getting longer.

What would my reaction be in that situation? Ask to be moved? Get filled with abundant confusion and concern? Get morbidly curious? I really had no way to know. I had a collection of reactions from random people. I hoped though that I would find myself being sympathetic to that theoretical Kenzie from someone else’s shoes.

While brushing back her hair, Kats asked, “So there’s your ex but who else? The guys at your table, right? That’s three.”

Cody and Ben. Against all odds, the two of them actually walked through the classroom door when I was thinking of them. Of course, I’d already thought of them a few times already and they hadn’t made an appearance but the timing was curious.

They were both dressed in flannel. It was the golden age of flannel. Woo… Ben’s was a red tartan and Cody’s was a deep blue. I tried not to stare, lest I give Kats the right idea at the wrong time with my body language.  

All I offered was, “Just two other guys I know from lunch and stuff.”

She persisted, “Friends?”

“Hopefully.”

She scrunched up her pencil-mark eyebrows. I noticed that her acne was gone and her complexion was clear. I pointed this out to her and she stared into her compact with her lower lip hanging.

“Woah! This is because of you?”

I had to give her a shrug again even though it was probably bingo.

She continued, “This…wow. I mean like, I have sooo much stuff in my room I’ve been using for my pores and it burns like fuck. But it’s just…gone.” A giddy smile flared across her face.

I cautioned, “It wears off though.”

Pouting to her reflection, she muttered, “Crap. Oh, but what about your ex?”

She flashed an expectant gaze as she closed her compact. I noticed Cody had taken up his regular seat. Ben was placed with a group near the door, far from me. Both seats were pretty far from where I was anyway but Ben was as far as one could get and still be in the same room.

Rebecca had moved to another group but it was just two tables over. I did my best not to over think it. If he kept to groups only on that end then I would start to irrationally worry.

I sighed through my nose with Kats’s question and tried, “It was kinda of a freak event. I dunno what happened to make things go that way.”  

Outright frowning now, Kats inquired, “Aww. So…if I go as far away as Dunk and Carlos then it stops? What about closer?” She scooted right beside me to demonstrate.

She got even closer than Lea did, with her face almost pressed against mine. I flinched back slightly. I liked people but I liked them at a comfortable distance. I could just about feel her breath on my neck and I could definitely feel the lavender of her perfume crushing my nostrils.

Thankfully, she did back off a little when being close didn’t accelerate the changes. Subtle acne scars on her cheeks which she’d tried to hide with makeup smoothed away like they’d never been there.

Making her smile gave me a smile of my own. It was a smile which promised possibilities. Perhaps the other girls wouldn’t all scorn me and call me a witch and a destroyer of boys. Perhaps Natalie wouldn’t be angry. Perhaps Lea could be accepted and happy without worries in her skin. Perhaps I could figure this shit out and find new joys rather than new pains and fears.

Perhaps…I will allow my sixteen-year-old self the indulgence of optimism. For now.

Kats was already wondering what might change next. She lamented, “It would be pretty cool if you could fix my voice too. Like…it’s too nasal, right?”

I was hardly one to judge with how it felt like my voice emerged from the depths of my sinuses but I noted, “It would be cool.”

She did test the limit by scooting away from me but soon freaked out when she felt the rough patches of her forehead returning. Fortunately, they were gone again in just a few minutes. She remarked, “We should stick around each other all the time. What classes do you have?”

We had a few with the same teacher but none lined up at the same period. She bit her lip and asked, “Where do you go for lunch?”

She didn’t seem the type to want to sit with our odd little group but it is best never to try to guess in advance what sort of group someone fits in. Still, I told her I was often busy at lunch.

Pressing her lips, she offered, “What about after school?”

I told her about helping out at my dad’s college. She drooped again and muttered, “Rats. Hmm…maybe if we like…sit next to each other every day then it’ll stick like with your ex?”

I could’ve told her that I focused on Wes specifically but I finally came to my senses about revealing too much and just said, “Maybe.”

It was then, out of the blue, that Jen finally addressed me to say, “I remember you from Creosote Elementary. We had Mrs. Winston first grade.”

I looked her in her deep, brown eyes, which dipped to evade mine. “Really?”

To say I vaguely remembered first grade is being immensely kind to my memories then, let alone now. I remembered physically being there and a few names of teachers. I remember the terror of being put in a class with older students and harder reading just because I liked reading. I’ve mentioned that before but it’s easier to remember the traumas than the normal days.

I also remember trying, for some reason, to reenact the Clock Tower scene from Back to the Future with some forgotten friend. Let’s call him Freddy the Friend.

Freddy climbed way too high on the fence to get to the imaginary clock. I never got to telling him about the future either because I cried that he was gonna break his neck.

I also remember it felt like a long way from one end of campus to the other.

No memories of Jen. I cocked my head a little to the side and said, “Oh. That’s cool.”

And then she just went back to her work. Kats quipped, “Wow. Jen is really chatty today.” That didn’t prompt her to say anything else though.

Kats filled me in on some of her personal details. She actually lived way out in the desert, past 50th on the east side. Eventually, the city would spread past that but back then there was only an old Mexican restaurant that never seemed to be opened and the mobile home park where Kats lived.  

I learned she had a boyfriend on the JV basketball team and was in the art club, explaining, “I just know how to draw flowers and tea cups though.”

Would I have talked to someone like Kats under normal circumstances? Absolutely not. I wouldn’t have a reason. Maybe abnormal circumstances aren’t always bad.

I checked on Ben over Kats’s shoulder. He’d moved a little closer but not by much. I stared a little but he didn’t look up from his paper. Rebecca was by my regular table. And it was probably time to focus on what we were supposed to be doing.

The words in the textbook looked like a blur. I enjoyed reading but textbooks found a way to wring all the fun out of the task. Then add to that the frustration of sifting through a list of concepts that looked nothing like any of the lectures.  

“What does your ex look like now, you know, as a girl?”

It was then I realized that the urgent feelings of last period had slipped from my mind. How could I have so neglected sending good thoughts to Lea at such a time? Before, I’d been so consumed that no other thoughts were possible. And, in less than an hour, she had slipped to something I needed to be reminded of.

My throat tightened. Lea. What did she look like? A young girl stepping out into her first hours in the world all alone with a hostile girlfriend and no allies in sight. How could that ever leave my mind?

I repressed a wince. Quietly, I told her, “So much smaller. He used to be…” I pointed out bottom of the glass cabinets set in the wall. “About that height, now my ex is a little under my height or so.”

Kats looked between it and me and gave a wide-eyed nod. I continued, “Hair a little longer than mine and darker. Figure a little like…” I pressed my lip to my teeth and glanced over at Jen then back at Kats so she would get the idea without me saying.

She did, with a mouthed “Ah” and another nod, before asking, “Did he freak out?”

I dog-eared the tip of my handout and said, “He told me I’d killed him. And had some really…dark thoughts.”

Her mood shifted. Even the guys on the other side went hush. Jen stayed the same. Rubbing her hands a bit, Kats said, “Damn. But you said he’s alright…now?”

I’d said that. I offered a shrug and told her, “I dunno. Maybe…people get used to what I do to them. Or it’s another thing that happens.”

I had a clearer idea than that but it was the safe thing to say. Kats rubbed her shoulders and leaned a little away from me. Still close enough but with some breathing room.

“That’s nuts. I still wanna see it though. At least once. But damn…Dunk wouldn’t be Dunk if he was just some girl. Tomas either.”

Dunk shook his head and said, “You finally learning?”

She stuck her tongue out at him again but said, “Anyways, I hope what happened to me sticks around because I’m fine with it. So far.”

It felt like things chilled a little after that in both a good and disappointing way. Kats was still friendly but not as much as she’d been. She was comfortably silly with Dunk. The two of them referenced jokes from some recent Chris Tucker movie I hadn’t seen.

Eventually, Kats left my side. She still kept close enough to feel the effects of my ability but, compared to how close she’d been, it felt lonely. Still, she was pleasant to me, which was really all I could ask for.

I took the quiet time to remedy the work I hadn’t done on the handout. To distract myself from the banter, I thought of Lea hanging out beside me. I thought of her like she’d been last night. Smiling, energetic, and optimistic. I visualized that, despite whatever might come against her, she would have a second period with as much calm and as many smiles as her first.

I thought about her by name. Lea. It wasn’t a frantic and frenzied heartbeat. It was a long, deep breath. Leaaaaaaa…Leeeeaaaaaa…

Ben was finally just a table away. I flashed him a smile. He gave a quick one and a nod before returning to explaining a concept for someone at his table.

Kats had taken up talking about basketball with Dunk and the toughest rivals for Brookville High.

“Fucking Green Grove! And their mascot is a tree. That’s so stupid!”

When it shifted to matters of music, it became like white noise for me. There were slight interruptions by the teacher to bring up bits that everyone was confused about but his explanations didn’t work for me. I got the handout done well enough that I didn’t have to complete it for homework as a study guide.

While Ben hung out over by the door at the end of class, Cody came over to say hello. Kats explained she knew him from gym class where they both took square dancing.

I gave him a tense look. He gave me an undulation of his blond eyebrows before asking, “Sooo…are you using your sweet powers for good or evil over here?”

Kats leaned back and explained all the little changes, showing off her clear forehead with a flip of her hair.

“Sweeeet. I got boobs from it yesterday.”

Well, at least he’d left out the kiss part…for the moment.

The questions returned and Kathyn’s energy surged again. She focused on Cody.

“What was it like?”

Cody raised an eyebrow and stared skeptically at her. She added, “Kaaa...I mean…I knooow what boobs are like but the whole thing and the change. What was that like?”

Hopping up to sit on the counter, Cody pronounced, “Warm and woozy. And different. But I wouldn’t ever want to stay that way. I like my dudely bits very much and not having boobs.”

Dunk dropped an “Amen!” Cody added a simple, “Preach it” before continuing, “Soo…yeaaaah…”

Kats scooted up in her chair and asked, “But it turned out her ex is fine with being a girl and stuff?”

Another raised eyebrow from Cody.

“Zaa?...Uhhh…Just ask Kenzie.”

Squinting a little, Kats pointed out, “I did. That’s what she says.”

Cody wiggled his head and settled, “Well, there you go.”

Before Kats could persist, the dismissal bell finally blared. Bledsoe commanded the room for one last reminder about weekend homework and the quiz next week before letting everyone go.

While she still looked eager to get an answer for something I couldn’t even understand myself, she did quickly pack up all her stuff. She stared after me as I stood up and walked a little bit away. Slowly, her changes receded and her hair and skin returned to how they’d been when I first sat down.

“Aww, fuck…” She grumbled and slouched in her chair. Dunk bent his head and said, “Just be glad you didn’t grow no fucking dick.”

Rolling her eyes, she said after me, “Monday…so sitting next to you again and making it stick.”

I hefted my backpack on my shoulder and waited for the room to clear. With Kats over by the door, I offered Cody a quick “Thanks” without further explanation.

He smirked and remarked, “I can keep secrets. Some secrets. But not the funny stuff.”

As we were walking out, I noticed Ben standing over by Bledsoe. He looked over his shoulder at me but didn’t say anything. Once we were outside, I had to ask Cody, “So what was the deal with you and Ben being late?”

“Project…stuffs and ssseeeecrets.”

I nodded and left it at that. I had other concerns. Such as what expression Lea would be carrying with her from her chemistry class. Whether Natalie would be around and bitter.

Not knowing flipped my stomach with each step. Being around Cody, even for part of the trek, helped. He had a quick stride but his words were even faster, noting all the perfect reasons why it was good to stay male.

“Faster in the bathroom. I can walk around topless…not that I would but I can…without getting arrested. Most places. Beauty crap. And I like my voice. No…seriously.”

Some of his quips were really funny but I forgot all the good ones. Most of his reasons were silly anyway or flawed but I just liked listening him. And then, all too quickly, he had to take the left path towards a different area of the 500s and I had to continue on straight. With a wave, I told him I’d see him at lunch.

He paused and informed me, “Actually, I have to take care of stuff…and things. So I might not show up till right at the end…of lunch. Sorry.”

Nothing he could do about that.

I continued alone…well, not really because I was still being crushed by classmates dragging their feet across the cement on all sides. But I continued till I got to Chilton’s room. He was just locking up to go somewhere. I didn’t get a chance to say anything to him. A few early students were lingering around the ramp. I tried not to pay attention to their gazes. I sought out Lea but didn’t see her.

Deep breath. Focus on the multitude of positive things that could’ve and will happen. Of course, so often when I focus on one thing the opposite comes true. So, perhaps it was better to dwell on every terrible thing that likely didn’t happen and then find relief in being wrong. I could be assured no random meteors crashed into her chemistry class.

Also, I was pretty sure the police hadn’t been called for anything or else the whole campus would be locked down. No one had been transformed into a massive, bloodthirsty amoeba. But there was one extra girl in that class who hadn’t been there when the week started.

Just those few days ago, Wes was holding his girlfriend’s hand. They’d shared a cuddle and a kiss. Their last?

Deep breath. Ignore the funky smell of too many people and so many bad deodorants.

Imagine being by the sea.

We often traveled along the coast over the summer. The feeling of shaking off the gritty, rough oppression of the desert for the breath of the ocean was like having everything finally cleansed. No matter how much you clean or wash something in the desert, it always feels like the next burst of wind has undone all your work.

My first solid, detailed memory was early August 1990 when we were up around Morro Bay. We had a cramped but nice motel up a very steep road from the waterfront with a decent view of the big ass rock which made it such a tourist location.

I’d decided to tape together all the comics I’d brought with me for the trip and destroy any collectable value they would ever have. These included the first few Rescue Rangers comics, a whole story arc in Ducktales and some issues of Uncle Scrooge. The Ducktales movie would be released soon and we would eventually see it somewhere in Oregon later in that trip.

That day, however, when we turned on the TV, we learned that Iraq had just invaded Kuwait. Being eight, I got a little bit concerned before returning to reading and wondering if we would visit the sea lions at the small aquarium on the edge of town.

Oh, for life to be so at ease as it’s supposed to be when you’re eight.  

Leaning back against the railing near the trash can (but not close enough to smell it), I stretched with a satisfying pop in my back. My backpack slipped through the railing and ‘thunked’ down on the sandpaper-like floor of the ramp.

I tried to slip myself through the opening to sit but no position felt comfortable. Probably by design to keep people from relaxing on it.

A few of my classmates hung around in little groups far away from me. They spoke to one another. I ceded any ego or paranoia that they were all talking about me behind the rumble of the crowds. It didn’t matter.

At a moment when I wasn’t paying attention to the streams of people from the classrooms to the east, Lea and Natalie finally emerged.

Natalie had her hands clenched at her sides and moved quickly, sidestepping the lolling, clotted crowds. Lea hustled behind her, clinging to her loaner backpack as she yelled, “Nats!”

Clenching my jaw, I wasn’t sure if that yell was intended as plea for her to slow down or a warning for me.

“How fucking dare you…cunt!”

It was strange to feel such raw and sharpened words hurled at me. Sure, mom said a lot of things but it was more like a quick needle in the gut which trickled long after the strike. Natalie’s were like a flailing shiv in the air.

Lea’s cheeks were red and still looked moist. She sniffled and stretched forward to get between the two of us. Natalie barred her with an arm.

I wanted to comfort Lea. I wanted to offer kind words. I wanted to say something but that would be later.

Her fists still clenched, Natalie brought her arms down at her side. She shook her head and ground her lips back and forth.

“…What the fuck do you have to say?” Her voice cracked. She stared at me for an answer.

And I answered with a question. “Why has Lea been crying?”

With widened eyes, she pressed closer and said, “Wes! His name is Wes! What is this ‘Lea’ shit you’ve filled his head with?!”

Lea stared at her feet and gripped her backpack with both hands.

Natalie hadn’t eased up. She was still rigid and her eyes flashed malice. We had a few extra looky-loos who’d stopped to stare.

Deep breath. Find some good words. I shook my head and asked, “Why are you doing this to someone you love?”

She mouthed the word ‘love’ to herself and scowled. “How dare you…..you…YOU…destroyed him. You took the person I loved and you fucking killed him. You took away everything he was. You took his body. You took his name. You took his soul! For what?!”

Her words were loud enough I was sure just about every classroom in the vicinity could hear. Security in their little golf carts wouldn’t be far off. We had a heavy crowd yelling scattered cries of “bitch fight!”

She smacked her fists on the railing. My heart jogged in my ears.

I tried, “I’m sorry you’re hurting but don’t hurt others because of it.”

Natalie bared her teeth and shrieked, “Hypocrite! I’m telling everyone! You’re gonna be on the news and they’re gonna arrest you and put you in jail where you belong so you can’t hurt ANY innocent people!”

I wore a stern, flat face and told her, “Do what you gotta.”

Finally, even though it was just a few seconds, a tall, muscular guy from campus security rushed up and said, “What’s going on here? You girls break it up now!”

I looked away from Natalie, not sure if that was the right thing to do. I lowered my head. I could hear her gripping the bar behind me. She rattled it but finally backed away as she hissed at me, “…you’re a monster.”

The security guy separated us at arm’s length. “I don’t care what issue you two have but it ends now. Get to class or you will be suspended! Now!”

I stayed there and Natalie went on her way. Security questioned me about the incident. The best I could offer was, “She’s upset about her boyfriend and blames me for stuff…that happened to him.” I looked to Lea, who still had her head down with a wince.

The guy looked over at Lea and questioned her, “You involved with this too?”

“I’m the boyfriend…”

Her words were small and rough but clear enough for the security officer to understand.

Still, he narrowed his eyes and gave a heavy sigh through his nose as he muttered, “Okay…okay…just…” His held his hand up like he wanted to stay something else but he just let it drop and repeated, “Okay. Hey! All of you! Nothing to see here! You get to class now or you all will be the ones written up!”

That dispersed the disappointed crowd pretty quickly. Once things had settled down, of course, Chilton finally returned, pretty much oblivious to anything that had happened while he was gone. He slowed beside me and Lea but didn’t ask anything. Instead, he went about his normal routine of ineffectively trying to get everyone in order. He stood at the top of the ramp and made everyone line up. Lea and I settled at the end.

I looked over at her. She set her backpack aside. She kept her gaze down and brushed back her hair. Carefully, I reached out a hand for hers. It took her a long moment to notice. She stared at my hand then clasped it tightly with her warm fingers.

Her slim lips quivered as tears returned to her eyes. Slipping out of my hand, she instead wrapped her arms around my middle, pressed her face against my shoulder, and whimpered softly into the cloth.

I shut my eyes and ran my hand through her thick hair. “I’m so sorry, Lea. But it’ll be okay.”

I could believe those words, if only for her sake. I didn’t need to watch whoever might be staring at us. All that concerned me was that my responsibility was crying and her soft whimpers broke my heart.

Chilton stammered but collected himself to weakly order the rest of the class inside to begin some directions on the board I couldn’t really give a shit about.

When it was just him and us outside, he inquired, “Wes?”

Lea sniffled and lifted her head slightly to say, “My name is Lea. L-E-A…please.”

Giving a nervous little nod, Chilton repeated, “Lea. Alright. Do you need some time? Or…uhh…to go to the nurse?”

Lifting her head again, Lea sniffled to say, “I…need a little bit. I’ll…see. Just gimme a minute with Kenzie…if that’s equanimous…”

He nodded and quickly repeated, “Sure sure…take some time.” With that, he went inside and started his regular, feeble routine. Though he left the door open and we could hear his ‘threats’ and “shh”ing, we had enough privacy to talk.

Lea whispered by my ear, “How could it be okay?”

I rubbed her slim shoulders and sighed. Because just about everything winds up being okay despite all our fears to the contrary. One way or another. But I didn’t say that to her. I told her, “Because you are amazing…”

She pressed her little nose on my shoulder and spoke with the slurring of fresh tears, “I don’t feel amazing. But I feel…I know…I am me. But being me hurts Natalie. Being me right now feels like being torn into a bunch of tiny pieces all at once. But…when I let go of everything I’m afraid of…I’m Lea. But for my family…and her…and everyone…I’m supposed to be Wes. I just…I don’t know.”

What words could I give her? I just slowly rubbed her shoulder and held her. She gave a long sniffle and told me, “I just want to feel happy like I did last night with you. And this morning…for a while.”

I wanted to know what had happened in chemistry class to break that happiness so utterly but more than that I wanted to know how I could bring it back for this class and beyond.

Softly, I asked her, “Would you like to sit with me this period?”

The shivers settled a little and she leaned back to meet my eyes. She gave a quick little nod.

I could only imagine how that would go over with the class but I didn’t care. I wanted to be by Lea so I might be able to do something more to drain the fear and sadness from her.

After a minute, she left my shoulder but still clung to me from the side. There were some stragglers dragging themselves between classes. We got a few looks but just the sort that Ryan in the security office gave me.

Lea scuffed her shoe along the edge of the ramp and suddenly asked, “Should I be…acting differently?”

I looked over at her. Her gaze was down again. I squeezed her hand and asked, “Differently?”

She only gave a half-shrug as she muttered, “Like…before. Like a few days ago. Should I want to…mutilate myself?”

Her words felt like acid on my check and not the way mom’s did. I held myself from shivering as I asked, “Did you…want that?” With how she was before yesterday evening, that would be a step up from seeking out…your end. But this hurt more to think about.

Lea rubbed her hairless arms together a few times like she’d just fallen into something cold. “Fleetingly. I thought worse. But, for everything that was wrong, it just felt like my only choice was to just…cut it all off. I got as far as pacing around the kitchen before I felt sick. What Natalie said…reminded me…I…” She smothered the rest of her words with her hands and shook her head.

I set my foot on the edge of the ramp with her and asked, “What did she say?” I almost didn’t say those words. In fact, any words out of me felt like they were stupid and insubstantial. Still, I spoke them.

Letting her arms go, Lea sighed and rocked as she told me, “When she could, a lot. But…what hit me was that…she said…that something is terribly wrong with me. And…no matter how hard I begged her…no matter what words I used…she said…she didn’t see Wes…me…any more…”

Her lips curled tight and her jaw clenched but she held back more tears. I curled back my own lips. What could I say? I let her speak as I softly rubbed her shoulder.

“I’m…me. I said that. I’m me but what if I’m wrong? If I’m not me…then who am I?”

Her eyes looked so ready for tears as she turned to me, so eager for answers. I’m not a person for answers. I’m barely a person for questions. But I took another of those deep breaths and I asked her, “Does it feel wrong?”

She swallowed quietly and wavered along the edge of the ramp. Thankfully, Chilton left us alone. I couldn’t even hear his overzealous shh-ing through the open door.

When she was ready, Lea answered, "No. But can I put faith in that feeling? My body has changed. Tuesday, Wednesday, and most of Thursday…I felt like I’d already been mutilated. I felt annihilated…”

She paused as though she wanted to interject some apology. I shook my head. She brushed her nose, frowned, and slowly continued, “I felt lost. Like I was just some floating eye popped out. And all I could see was some other body moving in my place. I just…wanted it to end…”

She looked me in the eye and her frown ebbed. “Then, you came…and you held me. It felt like the sun breaking through complete darkness. And it was like…seeing myself again. It wasn’t the body I’d had but I could see like ‘oh, these are my hands’. Different but still mine…if that makes any sense…”

It didn’t for me right then but I still nodded to comfort her. She clasped my hand a little tighter and told me, “I wish I could express that to Natalie. I wish I could find a way to tell her that I’m still here.”

If Natalie was anything like me, and Wes alluded to as much, then it was unlikely to get through to her. She was probably imagining terrible things in my general direction and feeling overwhelmed with fear. I tried not to think anything bad in return but she’d made Lea sad, so it was a challenge. But I didn’t want to continue a cycle of bad.

I wanted to make a new cycle. Well, it was just an idle feeling right then. A feeling which might’ve been as wrong-headed and flawed as Lea feared hers were. But it was a feeling pointed in the right direction.

I told her, “We’ll find a way. And she’ll see. No matter whether you call yourself Wes or Lea or girl or boy, you are the same person. Change doesn’t destroy you. Change is a rebirth of everything that makes you who you are. It is going to be okay.”

I don’t know where any of that came from. Certainly not from my stress of the moment or the reality of my fears for what Natalie might do and say against me. Not from my rational understanding that I could well have unknowingly destroyed Wes and created Lea in her place with the same memories and many of the same attributes.

But it came from me. A statement of hope. A sun in my own personal darkness from me to us. It didn’t matter if I was probably wrong. What mattered was I said it along with the hug I shared with Lea to still her trembles and let the tears finally cease from her eyes.

She went as far as a little smile and whispering, “Thank you”, when I released her. I hadn’t even bothered to pay attention to any new changes she had from being so close to me but nothing obvious jumped out.

Lea did get back some of her surprising energy. She curiously pondered, “Maybe I am a girl and a boy. I mean, they’re just words and I know words. They change meanings prodigiously.” I wasn’t sure if that was quite the word she wanted but I couldn’t say, so I just smiled and nodded for her.

She went off from there. She mused on gender and self. All really quite cool but her words were flying so quickly that I was behind several sentences trying to put it together.

It was then that Chilton came to find out what our decision was. Lea could’ve easily asked to be sent to the nurse’s office for the period. Or we could’ve both gone to the security office. Instead, she pressed boldly onto the noisiest part of the ramp and announced, “I want to be a part of class…I don’t mind sitting by Kenzie. In fact, I want to make sure she’s not lonely. If that’s alright. I have….uhh…most of what I missed but uh… I read all the important stuff.”

She picked up her loaner pack and presented it before pausing to realize she didn’t have any of her regular papers with her. She quickly corrected, “I’ll what I missed expeditiously…please.”

Chilton bobbed his head quietly and said, “That’s fine. Considering the circumstances…but you’re really okay?”

Lea affirmed, “I am. I’m alright. I’m ready…”

She wrapped her hand around mine.

One last, deep breath to be strong.  

We walked up the ramp together, me and my responsibility…no.

Me and my friend.