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Yesterday, I tried to articulate to Donna why I can't seem to get my writing going. And to myself. I have so much creativity inside me, especially right now. And ideas. But it's stuck. Like a wall in my mind. Part of it seems to be a lack of confidence in what I want to write. Some of it is a legit issue I have.

It can best be summed up as I know details of my characters off-hand but not with certainty. I listed off a huge amount of stuff still stuck in my mind about all my characters in this work but I also pointed out a key problem.

A female character invites a transformed one back to her apartment and I sit and think "What is it like? What does the apartment draw from? What details I've presented inform her living space? Should it inform that?"

Basically I kinda know the character history but not with enough confidence to tell their future in the story. Not talking to Ayn and Apsm lately because of changes in IM service third apps might also be a component. Talking to Donna always helps too and I miss the lulls. I'll figure it out but I fret that my brain is just wasting time by lacking confidence. Dad is a big part of things I need to do every day but I still have a decent amount of free time too, so I won't blame that.

Take care and have a lovely snake god eating the sun on Monday! (Only people from ancient eras will get that one ;) ).
Four hours of updates and Creator Edition or whatever. Sooo long. Windows being Windows. But at least I caught it up on two and a half months of being inactive. Wanna try to do the same for myself. I know what I need to do...what I always do. The character in Restful Sleep was hard to grasp so, despite them being more happy than I can fathom right now, I need a touchstone. I need to link us and that is the character still running into stumbles but being savvy through them and thinking of their feet. Their pre-transformed self was reticent and careful. Spontaneous, clever, and adaptable is their post change strength.
My throat does not ache when I try to eat, so feeling a lot better. The house is still clean for now but entropy will do its thing. 

I was reflecting on why my creativity has stalled. I've presented a few different reasons but most of it boils down to will vs effort and results. If I were to push through the half of Restful Sleep I wrote and got back into the cadence of the tone of the story by rereading, then I finished it would it perform? I hope well for a new piece. I desperately want to make it a split two parter I write now and post like a week between. 

Granted, the story is fun but it was kinda just there for a filler to write easily. Sadly, so much of what I try to write doesn't come easily. Mainly, I start writing and I know dad will need me or something will come up and it's like getting through a performance on a piano and you need to pick up where you left off and it takes a while to get into it. Then another interrupting moment comes. However, I have lived through this for years. I can push through it. The problem is having the will to do it. Finding that will be tough. So that is basically the reason that crops up. I wanted to touch more directly upon some inspiration I have in the future and why I love ideas I have and want to write them.

Kinda psyching myself up for these ideas.

This creepypasta idea - I mentioned this but I had an idea for a young woman stuck in the woods with a winged creature which might be turning men into women to feast on them. The appeal is searching what she thinks she knows and whether the creature has already affected her. And other twists that I know in detail already. Knowing the end provides a confident guiding focus. Also I hope to post this anonymously online somewhere and see if it catches fire.

Restful Sleep - It is a fun idea that spoofs magical shops and provides a character who is pretty well happy with zappy and has fun with it largely without "ooohhhh nooo you got turned!" It is just a fun take. The problem is once the character is transformed by the stress-leeching bed, I then have to figure out a means of conflict for a pure Tara joy-esce character. Also figuring out how someone like that thinks is a huge challenge for someone/me, whose only relief from the hard-knocks of life is poor memory of bad stuff :p. But it is good to step outside my comfort level of creativity. It's just that much harder.

Radioactive Femininity - I am truly about 25,000 words off the "end". Really the end is Kenzie has a class or two where she meets up with some friends, gets a surprising reaction, has an argument with Kat, sees Wes again, then by lunch a TV crew is around due to the report Kat made. This goes in an unexpected way. We learn what we should know that our narrator is highly subjective in what they say along with some other things. Then the conclusion was always going to be Kenzie finding out her mom has had a stroke. It tracks with my real life at the time. The only thing was I moved events from June to October of 1998. Really the book would end openly with Kenzie walking around the hospital after visiting her mom and somehow getting her to laugh and relax. As I did too. Noting that the only way I could make mom happy would be if she had brain damage beforehand. Sounds like Kenzie too. There then might be a transitional short around Halloween and then I would want to transition it into a series of tales that reflect a lot of my life before any followup.

Abby 6 - This story is bashing on my brain to get out. My thought for the flashback bit will be continue it leading into what we know happens. The characters will feel emotionally-defeated, to reflect the sense from part 2's ending. I honestly only know broad strokes of that conversation. But Abby in part 3 will be weeks later in the Eraser attack recovery. I am visualizing 9/11 with signs posted for missing persons and little memorials but in a more high-tech way. Hoverbots with holo memorials in the sky. Abby forgetting the shape of her regular face as she wears Gail's, slow work of restoring what was lost. Another meeting maybe referencing the promise from the last meeting with Tim. And some Tim Travel ;).

What excites me is there are survivors of amongst the Creators and their refuge world recalls Trimountaine after a Roman art style and is on the twilight area of a tidally-locked planet around a dim red dwarf to give an underworld-like feeling. Allison Longbloom will be Abby's birth mom as the teaser suggested. Vivian and the remains of Iao will figure and the multiverse will be irrevocably changed forever. Time travel will also feature as I cheekily teased. Abby and Tim. What are the rules of time travel? I am partial to how Connie Willis writes it and I like the sensibility from "The Story of Your Life"/Arrival that the future behaves kinda like a quantum wave form. You can see the future if you follow a set path. If you deviate from the path then you have no idea what happened. Knowing locks you out but not knowing allows you some freedom. I wonder if the same applies to the past. We will see Marcus more than once again. The ending excites me because it does indeed change everything. So much so I must omit it from future stories talk for now. But everything is not gonna blow up. Sorry if you were down for that. Got lots more stories to tell with my characters.

Abby 7 - Memories of the Last Word - I wanted an idea that mirrored The First Book from Abby 2. There is a word no one can have access to or some rather eschatological consequence results. Meant to sound a bit SCP-y. The new status quo and casus pax for traveling between worlds will be detailed. Abby now has a companion in her travels. As the title suggests, memory and Dark City-like explorations of identity will result. Totalitarian government that uses amnestics like water and rewrites people to further their cause.

Abby 8 - The Fabric of A Universe - I still wanna hide some of this story but here is what excites me. Abby still has goggles and she is still working out the kinks in them. She travels to an interesting world but her goggles are having a problem keeping a lock. Little glitches but here is the rub. Time passes in this place much faster than in the rest of the multiverse. If you miss a single second then over 500 years have passed and everyone you were just talking to is long dead. I love this idea by way of Voyager orbiting a planet where this happens and other stories. Abby has entire religions pop up around her because she seems like an immortal goddess ;). There are, however, those who aren't as happy with this arrangement and lasting enemies are made. 

Abby 9 - The People Within Us - This one is fun because I really want to tell a chill Abby story where some random anomaly is happening. A guy can pretend to be many different people and milkshakes/ice cream taste wretched and no one knows why. Just a fun mystery setup with a lot of character and some zappy.

Abby 10 - Along the Missing Streets - Because neither Doctor Who nor Harry Potter or Hellboy 2 have done disappearing and reappearing secret places well. Philip K Dick did...with The Commuter. I also really want this show as I am the potential (metaphorical) reincarnation of PKD -…
But taking that idea and just running with it is exciting.

Abby 11 - The Quiet Sounds Inside Her Heart - I already relayed what excited me about this pitch -…

But yeah, I am a bouncing ball of creativity and excitement for my ideas. Getting a way to direct it actively again soon is a challenge I intend to overcome.
- Busted my butt filter cleaning 
- Vacuumed everything
- Scrubbed the walls and ceiling
- Shampoo couch
- Sheets cleaned
- Fresh food and a treat of a meal
- Decent sleep

....*Wake up to a sore and swollen throat*.... :|....fffffffff

I'm okay though, just bummed I cleaned all the things now I need to zonk when I wanna use the nice fresh house to set up my laptop and do stuff. But sleep to get over a touch of sickness before it becomes full-blown nonsense would be the best use of my time for right now...grumble...
I just wanted to add some extra thought to my previous about Abby. I love the idea of what if. They drive a lot of pitches I have for Abby then characters drive the story once the premise is created. 

The Society of the Flaming Panties/Trousers
What if gender-changing anomalies existed in a multiverse?
What if historical polytheism was a foundational part of the USA?
What if there was an agency that policed entire universes?
What if the characters from many of my other stories were in the same room?

Do alternate versions of yourself share an intrinsic, common soul with you or are you each completely different?

The Ragged Pages of the First Book
What would an infinitely-large library be like?
What is the meaning of stories? 

The Serpent's Den of Buried Secrets
What does it mean to be a parent?
Which is more important: the past, the present, or the future?
Is it alright to do an evil thing for a good reason? 
What can any of us do to make amends for a terrible choice?

In the Dark Forest of Mirrors
How much free will do we actually have?
Is it better to be idealistic or realistic?
Do we need a power greater than ourselves to be strong?

By Fire or Ice
What does it mean to be a friend?
What is eternity/infinity? 
Can you achieve perfection?
Why do bad things happen despite good plans?
Can God be imagined?

From Ice and Fire
Can you destroy hate?
Is it more important to be greatful for what you have than sad for what is lost?
What can you do if you are able to travel in time?
Is it better to start over or push forward?
If we don't have our memories then are we still who we were with them?
How would a world react to monsters from another realm?
At what point should we forgive ourselves?

And then leading into the future... (Very early postulations)

Memories of the Last Word
What if a totalitarian government had the power to rewrite anyone's memories? 

The Fabric of A Universe
What if the entire history of time was compressed into a relatively-brief interval? 
What if you lived and could remember an actual eternity?

The People Within Us 
What is our truest self?
Is there an absolutely, objectively true version of reality?

And pretty much all the remaining what ifs I have in mind are self-evident from the descriptions I gave in the last post or too nascent to be fully articulated as of yet.
I actually finally figured out the last first half of series two episode concept for Abby. 

It was the cryogenic-freezing story. The Quiet Sounds Inside Her Heart.

I wanted to do it as an homage to a writer, Alan Brennert, who helped me first come up with the parallel universe gender swap concept a long time ago. He wrote story about a world basically affected by Ice-9 which causes a massive blizzard across the world. Only that world is fake and is just an invented mental reality where the main baddie Dark City-ifies the personalities of everyone. In truth they are cryogenically frozen and he hijacked the shared dream.

Puzzle Box wound up being inspired by this too. Quiet Sounds is about a cryogenically-frozen woman experiencing imagined lives as she dreams. A little bit that famous Reddit post about someone who got knocked out and experienced ten years of a life with a wife and two kids. I hypothesize...what if wasn't fake but they imagined it into being like the character here? Inner Lights kindled by a special mind. Abby and company then investigate.

To recap what I have ----

Abby Longbloom: Memories of the Last Word - I've alluded to it before but Abby and company visit a world where a particular word is sealed away along with all thought and conversation about it for fear of what will happen if it is ever known. This is a stand-alone story. This one is my story which takes on ideas from the FOUR LIGHTS arc of TNG along with some bits of Stargate SG-1 ("Beneath the Surface"). I don't want to tip too much of my hand but Abby will take after the Doctor and actually have companion for most of her travels.

Abby Longbloom: The Fabric of a Universe - Abby visits a strangely familar place where things are rapidly breaking down. Arc, connected story. It leads off an element of the first series. This is the introduction of the villain character for this series. I hope to suggest them with the ending of Abby 6. The villain will be someone who has a legitimate beef with Abby. There are some great episodes of Doctor Who which I take as my inspiration, even a little bit of Black Mirror. And not to mention Age of Ultron as I've said. It could tip my hat but...… - I'll just randomly link this tv tropes page...

Abby Longbloom: The People Within Us - A young man who can make any identity he imagines and create it as a physical self faces the consequences of his actions. Definitely a stand-alone tale. Not much will change with moving this from prequel to part of the next series. I actually had a startling realization of how the terrible milkshakes thing actually works into the ending of the story in a cool fashion. Might be a shortie but more of a romp. 

Abby Longbloom: Along the Missing Streets - Streets that Abby once knew in her hometown are vanishing. An Arc, connected tale. This will involve the Erasers to some extent. Rather creepy tale idea.

Abby Longbloom: The Quiet Sounds Inside Her Heart - see above. Stand alone.

Abby Longbloom: (Title Evocative of "Hope is the thing with feathers" by Emily Dickinson but not yet chosen) - This story will relate to experiments done by Nuhaizi Corp, Aeternal themes, and incorporate characters we already know. An arc, connected story. I treat this like a mid-series finale. My main problem is aside from the main villain, I want to have another antagonist I can't bring up yet. 

Stand-alone Haunted house adventure with Tara, Gail, and Abby to open the second half.

Arc. This might properly introduce the other antagonist of the series. No solid ideas yet.

Stand-alone Aibora story. This deals with the Aibora used as weapons. Retired vet anime girls with PTSD after a war and trying to reconcile and make amends. Shortened lifespans of Aibora will come into play as well.

Stand alone. Saving this one because it's my last tale of this series which I have no idea what it will be yet.

Two arc tales to end the series. I think of this as like a culminating war storyline. A long time ago, I wanted to tell a story of a war between parallel universes. Convergence. I want a thread in this series to be finally telling a version of that story.

The overall themes of series one were creation, family, mirrors/reflections, light/dark, repetition, and sacrifice.

I feel like these themes will still figure in the second series to some extent but also touch on loneliness more prominently, memories, and where we find hope.

It will absolutely take some time to get there but I hope you enjoy this ride. Just gotta make my way to completing Abby 6.

PS - I also had an idea for a creepypasta I might make but I have too many projects on the backlog
Watching all the Disney stuff. Would not cast Chris Pine in what would be basically the equivalent of the Demetrius role for A Wrinkle In Time. Storm Reid looks a little like how I originally envisioned Abby Longbloom although the teaser mostly shows her frowning. I like the aesthetic even though it has a weird hair, surreal aesthetic which is hard to take seriously in the current era of film. Toy Story KH3 looks neat. To think. Live rendering matches classic Toy Story for what took ages to run.

Cleaning in the morning but made a promise to myself to write before sleep. 
I watched all of Doctor Who series 10 (minus the forthcoming Christmas special) in about a day.

It may finally be the thing I need to kickstart my stalled creativity. My plan to finally clean up a lot of stuff that needs cleaning will help too. Dad being in the hospital for a bit threw me off my pace but he's back for now. 

Mainly, I regret I did not use what amounted to free time while he was away. However, there is something anxiety-inducing about family being in the hospital which makes it hard to see as time off. 

If I had to quantify why I am not writing right now it is easily summed up as fear. I am afraid I can't hold all the details of Kenzie in high school with all her friends, enemies, and preoccupations in mind. I am afraid I can't do all the nods, thematic references, and knitted plot threads Abby Longbloom needs without copious notes at every turn. I am even afraid Restful Sleep won't have all the little character details I setup in the introduction when the reality is shifted by magical beds. The problem is the will to write bumps up against the will to get it right. I know, there are drafts but I write because I know what comes next. Without intimate understanding of the past and present of my characters and their situation, construction of their future is impossible.

But that has nothing to do with Doctor Who. However, there is a certain "screw it" attitude with going ahead in Doctor Who continuity which is refreshing even when it isn't at its best.

So, my experience began with The Return of Dr Mysterio. In retrospect, it wasn't terribly good. It was a goofy, superhero-themed romp with living, alien brains trying to take over the leaders of the world. A boy accidentally eats a sun-powered crystal that enables what you desire and he wants to be a superhero. On the whole, it was still fun. Six secret identities out of ten.

Then we get to the soft-reboot The Pilot episode. I loved that The Doctor is a professor on earth. There are shades of the Third Doctor. That has always been there in his appearance. Fortunately, he isn't stuck on Earth all the time. I was a little put off by Bill for one reason, her opening dialogue was kinda crap. 

She went on about perved and chips. Also, in her ramble, she said "And you perved" about a particular woman in the university cafeteria. Now I thought she meant that the Doctor seemed to be leering at a particular woman and she was jealous so that was why she "fatted" the woman. No, she was essentially saying "Anyone would've leered at her, she was so pretty and I gave her extra food and got her fat". 

Excusing this bewildering section, the opener was great. Heather was a captivating love interest for Bill who became an antagonist. Nadole is a little rocky to start but a fun second companion. I loved that the Earth felt like an actual place rather than how it slid by as a side note for many seasons. Seven magic lesbian puddles out of ten.

Smile had me giving a frownie. That said, most first future outings for companions can be hit and miss. I liked the idea and Bill was interesting but her dialogue is the most clunky here. Nanobot clouds that want everyone to be happy, even if it means killing people to eliminate unhappiness. The resolution that the doctor wipes their memory of being the servant so...they have no obligation to make the people happy? The ending was rather meh or :| if you're going by emoji. Five frownie faces out of ten.

The show ultimately finds its footing in Thin Ice with the Thames frost fair. The race aspects are a bit heavy-handed compared to Martha Jones but the companion realization of the darker aspects of the Doctor were pitch perfect. Also, I like it when Doctor Who kills characters with meaning. I know people are all like "waaah, they never kill anyone!" Bullshit. There is a huge damn body count. You can also do things worse than death. It is a standard monster piece but the character aspects were on point. Eight Loch Ness monsters in London out of ten.

And then we have the standard monster on Earth in the present again. This one was a bit cheap. The acting was rather meh and no one was ultimately impacted. A scary locked house. A woman kept alive by horrible things a loved one must do. Standard fare. Five trees that eat people out of ten.

Oxygen. My favo, even though the concept seems a bit silly, especially that capitalism itself is at fault. Still, it is a decent mechanism to make an interesting and tense episode. There is a clear and consuming threat with the lack of oxygen. Although, they could've reminded people of the countdown of breaths in a clearer way. Again, character writing shines and I enjoyed the fun of Bill being seen as racist against blue-skinned aliens. Of course, blue man is amongst those to get offed. Which sucks. #BlueAlienLivesMatter. Nine breaths out of ten.

Extremis. Oh boy. This episode. This one had problems for me. The writing was great and many of the ideas were clever. The issue is, despite the fun and creepy and cool bits, it was all kinda pointless. It was an extended "all a dream" episode wrapped in only slightly meaningful consequences. It was well written but not my favorite. Seven RNGs out of ten.

The Pyramid at the End of the World and The Lie of the Land two parter. This mid-season finale fit very well thematically into what we've learned about Bill. Consequences for the Doctor continue and the Monk aliens launch their plan. I really enjoyed the randomness of what could end the world and the doomsday clock was a nice little tidbit as well. The fact that characters get straight up killed for not having pure motivations reminded me of the Christmas Invasion from series two. And people say Moffat never kills anyone. I liked the lab scientist character, Erika, because the actress is a dwarf but this never even really enters into the story. It's just who she is and it never becomes an issue. The second episode really could've done more to screw with your head with the Monks brainwashing humanity, like the Combine in Half Life or something. They could've changed the opening sequence to be Monk centric or include their subliminal programming. But the whole resistance arc was great and it thematically followed what was introduced about Bill using a mental construct of her mom for personal strength. The fact this allows her to use love to fight the Monks fits with their need to be loved. And the fact that it doesn't do a series three ender reset makes it infinitely better than that arc. Seven and eight rebellions out of ten in order for this. Also I loved how convincing the Vichy Doctor was even though the fake regeneration was a bit of bs.

Empress of Mars. Mark Gatiss episode. Uhhhhhh....well, he loves Victorian England. I did like the overall thrust and I was genuinely sad about the one character who has a girl he loved back on Earth and then he dies...despite the fact that is right out of the "two days till retirement cop" book of cliches. It still worked on me. The idea of a British regiment in the caves of Mars is such a Doctor Who thing. It is nice and that's that. Also we get some Missy character develoment to cap it off. Six secret messages on Mars out of ten.

Eaters of Light. "Death by Scotland" is absolutely my favorite line. I liked the characterization. I loved the throwback concept and how cairns are incorporated. The monster was nicely done and easily this was the best, most effective monster of the week of the entire season. It was fun and a great location. The only quibble is it feels like an earlier episode due to a few things. Likely it had to be pushed back due to something in the shooting schedule but it still works. Another nine interdimensional monsters out of ten.

World Enough and Time. This episode really shoots your heart out. It starts as a fun rollick till it all goes bad. It gives a great amount of characterization and setup and, despite knowing the ending...the ending was what made me get the series to watch...I forgot enough to still be surprised. I am also a fan of Interstellar so I know black holes can be gigantic assholes to people and time. Stealing ten years away from characters with the clear sense that shit will be GONE is more heartbreaking than just killing people off. Also the body horror of the hospital is pretty screwed up. I don't think it is perfect. But it deserves nine levels of time dilation out of ten. 

And the finale. Broken characters. Futile causes. Backstabbing. The biggest heartbreak here is Missy. For so many reasons. Nardole is left as a dangling thread despite the promise of a happily ever after. Bill goes through a lot and her resolution was properly set up compared to Clara Oswald in the previous series. Peter Capaldi nails every scene with grace and raw emotion. Pearl Mackie also earns every scene she is in. She came a long way. The lead into the Christmas special was lovely and promises to wrap up a few final things before the writer bows out. I would not give it a ten but it is easily the best, least hokey finale in a good long while for the show. Somewhere between level eight and nine out of ten. 

But yeah, I really enjoyed binging this show and it rekindled a lot of hope I find in writing and if I can just get over my writing head and to my writing heart then I will be back on track. I almost feel like I NEED a dedicated notetaker for continuity so I never have to worry about it. That would be great. But I will do what I can for now. 

Again, thank you for a million views! Donna mentioned an idea for something but she hasn't had free time since and I have had my gradual recovery along with everything else. All my love and will type more soon!
Spent much of my Saturday in bed due to abdominal pains and had to take care of my dad too. He might have C. Diffo or a similar institutional ancillary infection but we are both on a clear liquid diet for now. I really wanna at least get a part of Restful Sleep out and I pitched a something for the million views milestone to a friend. We'll see what can be posted. 

But thank you so much for reading, thank you so much for viewing, thanks for being here whether just a short while, passing through, or through the years. It sucks that my creative cycle has been so jammed up but I intend to break through to all the things I want to make. 

More soon. All my love. Thank you for reading! All my blessings to you all!
Very wow! I have had lousy abdominal discomfort lately which has me concerned about my appendix because it wasn't the cause of trouble in the past, which make me fear that it is due. Also a lot of peoples online have randomly had that flare up. Maybe sympathetic pain but we'll see. Dad is home. Hectic but glad. I mapped out the whole story of Aimee in pondering. I could say it but it would spoil the story.

I also really dug a prompt I saw about a superpower to give others powers if you can convince them they can manifest them. Like a person behind all the supers.  

If I had to sum up Aimee's story then it is asking the question of how much or what does a program need to do to be considered alive? Could it ever be? Aimee's ennui and fear tantalites me. I imagined her traveling the world and bettering the world in some many ways but always being held down psychological by her goal to excel and be amazing. Basically. Heal the world. Be considered a prophet but still not feeling worthy before your creator. The self-destructive scenes were rough but the journey of envisioning the ending really made me satisfied. I don't think any other AI tale has quite gone for this approach.

Thank you again. Gonna try to get to the point I feel with it and not icky enough to tell all the stories I need to.
I had several days of stomach discomfort, mostly from forgetting to eat at proper times and eating small meals between huge ones. Getting better though but it is near 110 this week and I need to find ways to survive as I push eight weeks since a proper cleaning and over two since a good vacuuming. Been keeping other stuff up with dad away. He returns this week and the routine will help. I need it. 

I have been flush with creativity but in idle daydreams.

Aimee Brenner, a synthetic AI, has been a character in my head for near two decades.

It was conceived a few different ways but the story is always framed. Before, Eric Brenner, a recent computer science grad with ambition and ideas for an advance heuristics program tries to get funding. It is framed by his reflection on these early days in an interview. Then, it becomes an artificial intelligence symposium where he is a guest speaker. 

Now, it takes place around 12,000 AD in the framing. Earth is a natural and culture park. Different parts of the globe are reconstructions of aspects of human history and most life has been arranged in its natural state. You need to be authorized to work there as one of a good number of rangers or caretakers assisted by automated technologies.

He arrives in the southern California desert zone because I, like Stephen King, know fuck all about how to write any other places in the world than where I grew up. He starts his work and chances by a small lake which never goes dry in the area and meets Aimee.

She's (poorly) playing a musical instrument and singing an old song off-key.
As he gets to know her, she tells him the story of her creation in our present. Getting into the Eric, her creator, segment requires me to learn a lot of information about machine learning. The way knowledge bases are used to generate clear language. Today there are approaches of math vs words. I want to seek out the latter.

He stalls on funding but gets enough for a small lab with a hot server. He works out situations and a learning base which allows for emergent behaviors. One good question is how do you get an AI to ask a good question which it hasn't been scripted for? A question it seems to want to know for reasons that develop instead of reasons just given.

I want to do an epic of the life of an emerging artificial intelligence. Part bildungsroman, part existential rumination, part tracking how her development affects our world.

Imagining the different permutations of the story fires up my imagination more than physically writing it. I need to know more about AI to push the reality of it.

There is an inscrutable valley from Aimee as a complicated program to something of a living program.

One way is to provide her with tenuous objectives and a lot of resources. How do you get a program to the same point as a little kid in a room with Playdoh and Legos. How do you can a program to meaningful play as part of its operation?

Personality-wise I have her a bit snarky like Kenzie at first, as an emulation of her creator's personality. They have running gags between them of "Don't be like Skynet", "Don't go Westworld", and "What Would Data Do?" I love the idea of her experiencing scifi representations of AIs and just taking them in with a mixture of what could be seen as trepidation and determination to be better.

Her first outside experience is with "Cam-run", a stick man with a camera and some basic actuators like a very slow stick man walking around. As she accelerates in her development she takes a four day weekend and crafts a human like body from new technologies she develops with haptic artificial skin and coolant and distributed processing.

After one chat with Donna I realized that one struggle Aimee takes is the clear realization she is not alive and she will never be human. This comes to her later around Congressional hearings leading to judicial cases about her effective rights.

Aimee was made but with mutation of the code sorted into good and bad mutations that adapt to information and try to organize it. It looks at prior examples to try to synthesize new information. As it clicks for her its this abject sense of panic and ennui as best as a program can effect it that she essentially does not exist.

This highlights her later life. In some versions I have her develop new bodies over time, starting as a little kid and growing up over the course of a decade and a half. Eric raises her with this secret until the symposium comes up and she is ready. There is a subplot of an old arsehole of an anti-AI scientist who goes to Turing competitions just to bash the work and Aimee is first tested there. It was where she was told she was a machine by him despite a very lucid conversation. This leads to her four day weekend body making. Get more information. 

Then she keeps going back and failing. Eventually, she discovers the scientist guy cheated and knew which participants were which, so she lies to get one over on him once. 

Later, she decides to travel the world with a portable 3D constructor device over the course of a decade and a half, meeting people. She tries all sorts of things at this point to gain a wider acceptance and truer humanity perhaps. She even accidentally gets seen as a divine figure in some areas of the world while still trying to overcome the reasonable notion she is just fake, an advanced simulation of life. 

I have thoughts with her pondering mortality but don't want to cross over into Bicentennial Man land. She does still live 10,000 years later.

I feel like Aimee hits a lot of stuff I try to touch with my zappy work. What does it mean to be "me"? If I change, then what am I? How do I define my existence? What matters to me? What is real and true? 

I likely won't write Aimee's story for some time until I know artificial intelligence better and the narrative has had a few more run-throughs but that is where it stands.

Right now, my hope is this wellspring of creation will break through the other walls keeping my ideas from advancing with all the other stories.
I finished The Leftovers and I got Lost burned again by the same dude. Although credit/blame should go to the original writer on staff and a whole host of writers who had their own pet ideas about the series. 

The finale post-mortum is here -…

That said, I liked the character ideas and the fact it seems everyone wasn't dead all along. Probably.

Here is my thing and why this episode irked me. I don't mind ambiguity. I end several stories with it intentionally. What I don't like is where it isn't in service of the character.

I quite enjoyed the religious turnings and wonderings of the series. How do you comfort yourself in a crazy world especially when two percent of the world just inexplicably vanishes? Can you parse it with science or supernatural means? 

The problem is though that it is taken as a thing that actually happens. So as a creator you need to know the reality of the event. Explaining weird stuff is not the issue, bothering to have weird shit have a reason which you keep to yourself is necessary. 

The Leftovers kinda has an explanation but it is couched in themes of lying throughout the episode so you dunno. The spinning top is still spinning. Etc. But my problem is actually this...they even say it in the piece...Damon Lindelof likes stories where viewers are twenty minutes behind things. 

Fuck that. I feel like it had to be Stephen King or another on writing book which put it well and it is this...if your readers are too far ahead of you or too far behind then you lose them.

This finale lost me because it was trying to be overly clever with its ending. Lady wants to go through a weird machine to see her vanished kids. She gets it and it is a sequence like Eleanor Anne Arroway from Contact. And Contact is the template for exactly what should happen next...

Instead, we get what mission control went through in that movie. Except right as the ball is about to drop in Contact, we cut to Ellie ten years later.

She is writing a book with long gray hair. There isn't really a fully romantic love interest in Contact. Just a friend but he stops by and doesn't remember her and the story is in full wtf mode.

So that is basically how the finale spent most of its time. The funny thing is Damon Lindelof is not fully to blame. He was well willing to go off the edge definitely. He was gonna give this explorer logic-minded woman her 13 hours of static to support her claims she went somewhere.

Both characters claim they went somewhere. To another place. Nora to a parallel universe where the two percent people lost were the only ones who remained. Like a bifurcated set of two universe. Ellie to the hub and seeing her father's form in communication with aliens. It was what they both needed but you see it with Ellie but not with Nora. 

My problem is the mystery of the journey is not enough. We lay this even a real place because her love seems to not remember her. Alternate universe? Altered timeline? Afterlife? Her love went there a few times and then blew it up. Long story.

But the point is those twenty minutes we are behind are an abject hinderance to the point. We need to be accomplices on the character's journey. 

It is why time jumping Abby in the next part terrifies me. Readers need continuity of connection with a character. My plan is to use past Abby along with a sense of familarity to help bridge the reader between the events thry were at to where I want to take them.

It is why my once idea to finish Abby with older Abby recounting her stories to children in a library is a cute one but one best rejected. Obstacles between the storyteller and the listener never work. Oh? Is this a real thing? Should I care about any of this? Why is this happening? What is that thing? You should not be overthinking when you should be feeling a moment. An epilogue needs to be like a breath released not one tightening up. 

So fuck the ending to The Leftovers despite some quality direction and writing. It messed up in the way it was not supposed to. It cut me off from the emotion of the characters at the wrong moment.

Now, I do have to reflect on some ambiguous choices I made for stories. 

There are a few that stick out. Puzzle Box. The virtual characters that are inhabited are alive and I like to think everyone will get help and everyone will be okay. The mystery of Our House was that they were inside a world version of the House and the door at the end is the exit and what lies beyond is a way out. It felt very metaphorical for me. Being stuck to a single house as your world, growing up and seeing the possibilities of a wider world opened to you. Beyond that door is the world.

With Angie, the ghost was probably in the mirror but seeing a scary thing blunts how scary it can be so I left it out.

If anyone has any ambiguous stuff they would like clarified, just asked. Just venting about a week that took me on a ride with an unfulfilling finish.

Also my car needs fixing. Life is otherwise about the same. Dad getting rehab. 

And 1 Million Kiriban Not Long Off! I don't even know what to think but thank you so much for sticking around through the last lean year or so as I try to figure my shit out. I wish I could offer something up for anyone who screencaps it. Maybe I can think of something. It's a lot of numbers. 

All my love!
Just checking in. Sorry for being rather mum but when I go quiet it tends to be there's nothing much to say. Dad is at a skilled nursing facility for a week or so for rehab after getting sick. I was a bit sick too but recovering.

Been watching/binging The Leftovers in the lead up to the finale tomorrow. Lovely show. Everything Lost was really supposed to be but enormously more fun but also dark at points. Two percent of the world mysteriously vanishes and the rest of the workd grapples for meaning and resolution about it. Supernatural moments, people searching for understanding and hope, a priest who goes through rougher stuff than Job. Worth checking out. Hopefully a good finale. 
Dad had a UTI so he's been in the hospital in decent condition but very dehydrated. We managed to clean things up a lot. Car needs checking for a light that came on around when I had to renew my license. But it's a "holiday". I have thoroughly fumbled with writing lately. I've had a lot of random ideas but nothing really focused. I did write last night though. A little. But it's been frustrating I haven't been able to do more. 
A lot of Abby and Restful Sleep and a little gaming stuff. There are some really fascinating ganes out there that play with narrative and time all that in fascinating ways.

- Excited to show off Biffle the Wizard from the story.
- I felt stumped by how to show a happy character in the story. Kinda telling about my life. I decided that happy characters aren't simple Polyannas that ignore sad things but more about taking an active and tenacious approach to their lives in the face of adversity. Life itself is pretty adversarial but how you approach it is important.
- I kinda know this but putting it into sincere words is darn hard.
- An Hour Outside, A Year Inside is the best trope to reflect the key installment of the second series of Abby. Still a ways off especially with my recent creative mire, but good to explore for fun,
So long as the name doesn't totally break Abby's story, I kinda want to do it.

My thought process was just running through randomly generated options on a site...

"Huh, Artemis...kinda has been mentioned. A lot of these sound like Klingon though. Or silly ones. Temple. Gauss. Etc...dum dum dum...heh what about calling it [BLEEP] (not literally bleep just censoring the name)? Oh my gosh, that would be insane. I can't do that can, I? Hmm...maybe I can? That would be totally insane though. But absolutely in keeping with my ideas. Insane and yet perfect. I should do it!"

And so, the name of the homeworld of the Creators from Abby Longbloom is something kinda insane but perfect.

Again, gonna use a Pastebin for those who want to avoid spoilers in the body of the post -
New medicine side effects have made me lose energy but I think I finally have them figured out. Been putting my new stuff through it's paces. Got the first Witcher for free through a promotion and some other free games to start things off. However, I need to keep my dazzled preoccupations in check and fully write, as I promised to Donna.

The issue with Restful Sleep is I ran into file transfer issues in the Cloud because folders be weird. I might just wind up copying all my critical stuff to the cloud. There are several, interconnected clouds but my best resource is constant email backups. This is what is commonly known as a "delayus reasonalis" or a reason I give for procrastinating something I ought not to.

I really want to write but I run smack dab into the worst of writer phobias "I AM GOING TO FUCK THIS UP" and it's not even something where I can tell myself "'s okay, just write". It is literally like "I forgot everything, I don't have my themes in my head or my setting or anything".

I am, good and ill, a method writer. I need to be right there or else I forget the style which I am using and that goes from the line choices to the background characters. Often this occurs right around transformations because I gotta change everything so it gets a bit stressful.

How do I destress? Oddly enough by returning to Abby stuff. Lived in universes are cramped but comforting. I wrote the opening to Abby 6 from pure memory. I have been living this stuff for years. I know some streets of Alashir (btw, "Alah-sure" is my personal pronunciation) better than some around where I grew up.

And so, Abby is finally the point I want to bring up in this piece. Names.

Trimountaine was taken from the original name for Boston. Then Alashir came from my ass. But other than that, names in Abby have either been connected to things or they come back around after a while.

Which brings me to an upcoming quandary.

What the crap was the Creator Homeworld called?

There's a few issues inherent. It was around in an iteration before Abby as we know her. And it would have a name.

As I've alluded to, we're gonna meet some surviving Creators to cap off this finale. Abby's fellow Gallifreyans, in the Doctor Who sense.

But I don't have a Gallifrey by name.

Lazy version - just call the Creator World "an Earth" because parallel universes and the tidally-locked world where they hide around a dim, brown dwarf the Refuge or the Twilight Zo....Place.

But I don't want to be lazy if I can help it. I already have a few reused names in the mix. Parallel universes.

And yes, I considered calling the creator world Alashir and then vetoed it because it wouldn't take Iao years to find it and he would comment on the name (although he is the kind of creature which wouldn't give a shit with his ego). While I have a cause for a lot of stuff Eraser's should connect and comprehend (they are very different in their perceptions, they smell energy) "oh, a baby was taken by one of our own from a place called Alashir, SEARCH THEM ALL FOR HER!" That said, it wouldn't be terribly intuitive to just search all the places with the same name. If a child is kidnapped from Springfield, Oregon do you consider looking in Springfield, Missouri for them?

You follow the leads left behind and, for an Eraser, that is the light/burning, aroma of a Creator.

Still, I really want to make at least one name. So the survivors can be like "Man, I wish Farblegook was still around. It was gorgeous with the rivers of Lazlebrok and Tarmarok." You risk using too many names though but giving a name or two makes it more realistic for the people who lived there and remember it fondly after two decades in exile.

Whether the place they are hiding should get a name is debatable but there needs to be at least one that means "home" to a group of beings.
I managed to get a DRM-free download of Undertale and have put in about two hours to get to the snow-bunny village.

The stuff up to that point has been really neat. I enjoyed Toriel as a pun that took me longer to get than I thought I would. Why is there only one Toriel when there should be "two" Toriel? Heh...

Otherwise, I already knew about the beginning and I had fun through the early parts. I was going for a fairly pacifist approach because it seemed interesting. However, I got to where Toriel makes Butterscotch-Cinnamon Pie and I had to face her. In my history of gaming I expected a certain thing. You have the practice encounter and you prove yourself.

I figured I just had to make a token effort. Yeaaahhh...that didn't go to plan. So I quit and reloaded from before. I mean, I knew there were shenanigans going on in the game but I wasn't quite expecting that. Fortunately, I was able to get things to go the way I wanted. But...well...that would be telling. It was a neat and rather unsettling approach. Got me to the title screen. 

Then I met some more characters and I'm not sure how I feel about them yet but it's been an interesting ride. I feel like I got spoilers info at some point but with my brain so full of stuff, I tend to forget so it was still quite impactful.

I need to put together a proper list beyond the games I've picked out of DRM-free ones offered by Humble Bundle and other places. Witcher was totally free on one site. Mostly, I am keen for Metroidvania with a rogue-like touch and stuff like strategy RPGs from Disgaea to X-Com. Not sure if I can run the new X-Coms to their fullest but they should at least run with settings down and the fans whirring. 

Took it easy this weekend but made some notes for Restful Sleep. There's some original art by Donna but it will wait until the parts are set. My plan is that likely I will need to split it up because it is already 9000 words and I haven't even cleared my throat with all to say the transformation front yet. 
I am getting a feel for the laptop. One of the buttons has a peculiarity but nothing has broken or acts broken, so I've decided to keep it for now. It's like part of the soft pad/cushion under it is missing. Cans of air oddly help.

Windows 10 has shown it is indeed Windows still at its heart, random stuff and all. 

But enough about technical kinks. I wanted to talk about where I drew the breadth of my inspiration for each Abby story. 

Abby 1 - Doctor Moo, this is a bit of a joke thing where they have cows dressed as the Doctor. Abby as she talks early on was meant to faintly evoke the 10th Doctor saying a rambly piece with "well, no, well, but" and the second fuzziest shirt is obviously lifted from Monkey Island. Most readers considered early Abby like an quirky, eccentric inventor. Otherwise, I wanted to present Abby with some typical zappy situations. I also vaguely thought of Kelly/Arisu from Mecchen House for the flaming underwear. The Rift was an idea :iconmidnight-tea: mentioned to me and I liked toying with it. It was meant to be like a natural force of transformation. Like chaotic currents. As I reflected on it, I wanted more and more to figure out where and how something like that might arise.

Abby 2 - I wanted to and still want to make a game with Donna which is about an endless library where people live and work. It was going to be about curators who enter old, troublesome books and tame the wild, feral universes that spring up in them. From there, I wanted to follow Chrono Trigger with how characters get added to the party from different books instead of eras. A floating pair of panties was to be one of the playable characters. Then, what I had vague heard about Silence in the Library and Forest of the Dead came into play. I refused to watch it formally until my work was done so as to forestall cross-pollenation. Other than that, the steampunk library assistants were lifted from the game idea. Gridlock from Doctor Who also gave a little inspiration as well. 

Abby 3 - Santa Barbara with a little Mediterranean flavor added and old world style inspired the setting of Alashir. Random factoid, the university there has a Ward Memorial Blvd right beside it. Didn't learn that till long after certain things occurred. Otherwise, I didn't have a particular story in mind for my inspiration. I just wanted to further the idea of antithesis character's to Abby and Vivian was the first. I wanted to do a Dark or Alternate Reality Abby, just one other in The One or Sliders a bit. I figured I would never get to use this idea that was percolating in my brain though.

Abby 4 - A lot taken from serialized ensemble pieces. Each part garnered a new character affected by something or someone seemingly not bound by time. Tim Shortblossom was from :iconmidnight-tea:'s On the Phantom Investigation, I think was the name. Young Vivian was a blast to write. I wondered if people might sympathize with Vivian to some degree. At the very least, I wanted to give her more depth. Otherwise, the Dark Forest was taken slightly from the TNG's Crystalline Entity but as a broken, strange forest. The killer orbs young Abby encounters are similar to the Daleks. Dark City has some pieces in there too. 

Abby 5 - Planet of the Dead from Doctor Who. Then a good bit of mythology. When Abby leaves behind her blue scanner I didn't even notice for a while and being in Abby's mind I felt it fitting to play with that. May be a moment replayed eventually. Glass house is taken from Dr. Manhattan's on Mars in Watchmen a little. Stolen Earth/Journey's End for epicness. There must be other inspirations too but they don't occur to me.

Abby 6 - Groundhog Day, which is now a musical. Abby regenerating sorta is also Whovian. The Doctor Who movie a little as well. From this point to varying degrees - The End of Time (more Doctor Who). DoomsdayDay of the Moon. A Christmas Carol (the Dickens one). And, as suggested by a friend, The Bible.

And I actually know my inspirations for the second series.

Memories of the Last Word (Abby 7) - Human Nature/Family of Blood (DW). Chain of Command (TNG). And a lot of other things.

The Fabric of A Universe (Abby 8) - The Girl Who Waited, The Girl In the Fireplace, and certain characters (DW). Age of Ultron from Marvel. The Little People (TW).

Another Abby draws a little from Face the Raven with Doctor Who again along with a little bit of Hide

A bounty of Doctor Who in there sifting into my thoughts. Sadly, I have not seen anything from the new series yet. 
Since I did get some interested fans I put together a little cinematic assortment of bits to share.

On a separate site so people can see or avoid as they wish. :)

Made good progress on my story again too!